ONE GIRL, ONE CUP

Don’t worry. This post won’t be as repulsive as its title might suggest. However, some content may be unsuitable for children (and/or adults who blush at the mention of bodily fluids – myself included).

So if you haven’t figured it out by now, this post is in response to the “pee test” I took yesterday. (I guess most normal adults refer to it as a “pre-employment drug screening” or something of the sort.) See that’s my first issue with this pee-in-a-cup business. Why not call it what it is? Trust me, euphemisms don’t make the task any less Awkward with a capital “a.”

Case in point…when I arrived, the receptionist asked me if I was “prepared to urinate at the present time.” (She clearly doesn’t know me very well. I’m always prepared to urinate at the present time.) But why the fancy language? I’d prefer they ask me, “Can you pee now?” or “Is your tank full?” or even “Ready to wiz?” At least we could get a laugh out of it.

I answered a meek, “Yes,” and suddenly felt extremely self-conscious, like when I realize the middle button on my blouse is open and have no idea how long it’s been that way.

On second thought, though, “prepared” was a good word choice. Kudos, Ms. Receptionist. And that brings me to my second issue with this pee-in-a-cup business: the tricky timing! How much liquid do you drink? And when? And how quickly? Now I used to be a cross country runner, so I understand pacing. But when you throw in the waiting room variable…ay! I’m pretty sure I only learned two variables in school: X and Y.

My biggest fear was getting in there and…nothing. But as I found out today, the other end of the spectrum might be worse.  That cup isn’t very big. That fill line isn’t very high. My bladder was bursting. You do the math.

And finally, this brings me to the worst part – my biggest issue with this pee-in-a-cup business. Wait for it…handing over the “specimen.” I cringed. I avoided eye contact. In my head, I was thinking, “Dear lord lady, I’m sorry. So sorry. This is gross.” I can’t imagine a male having to take a fertility test and hand THAT over. Now THAT would be embarrassing.

Perhaps I should grow up and realize that this is a routine procedure necessary to keep the workplace safe. But nah, that’s no fun. Awkward moments are my calling.